Everyone may not actually be drunk

When I started telling people about this project, everyone seemed to think that I was starting a website that would exclusively contain my conversations with drunk people. I certainly won’t exclude those conversations because that shit’s hilarious, but I really just wanted a title that sparked some curiosity. I don’t leave my house enough to allow for those enlightening conversational experiences. And even if I did, nothing would make me more homicidal or diminish my faith in humanity more than seeking out drunk people to converse with.

This is the actual story of how Everyone is Drunk happened.

I had been mulling over an appropriate title, but I was coming up with nothing. While at a bottomless mimosa brunch with some friends one lovely Sunday, sucking down a freaking tower (literally) of mimosa, a friend of mine made an observation. “I’ve never seen you drunk,” she said.

“You probably won’t see me drunk because I don’t like being drunk,” I replied.

Try to contain your shock. Actually, this probably isn’t all that interesting or revolutionary. I’m just not really into shit that fucks with your head. To be clear, I do drink. I love craft beer, and I often enjoy a glass of wine or cocktail with dinner. I just don’t get drunk. I’m a little bit of a control freak about myself. I don’t give a shit what other grown adults do, as long as you understand that I, along with other non-idiots, will be laughing our asses off at you while you act like a complete dipshit. I’m the friend that drives you and your car home because you can’t even sign your receipt, and I cut myself off at my third beer 45 minutes ago.

I don’t like feeling like I don’t have full control of my decisions and how I present myself to the world. I’m also a puker (note: puker is apparently not a word), so there’s that. Nothing good has ever happened to me drunk. Ever. Sure, there have been some uneventful nights, but it goes from uneventful to shit. I’ve been stuck at a party where people were crushing pills to snort (again, not my thing) because I was drunk and couldn’t drive. When I was 21, I visited a friend in Albuquerque and had a questionable encounter with a gentleman I met in a bar who was in town for a bowling tournament. A fucking BOWLING TOURNAMENT! What in the actual fuck was I thinking?

So, I think we can establish that I am a fucking terrible drunk. I get myself into uncomfortable situations, and I make bad decisions. Not to mention the fact that hangovers last a minimum of 2 days after the age of 25. I much prefer watching other people make terrible decisions. It makes me feel better about myself; it also leads to the feeling that I am the only mostly sober person in a sea of drunks.

And that is the very long-winded explanation of how this happened and why I found it ridiculously appropriate.

mimosa tower

3 thoughts on “Everyone may not actually be drunk

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