Don’t be an asshole on a plane, or Karma will get you

As many of my readers know (because I know you personally), I went on a trip for a few days. I learned a lot on this trip. I learned that weddings may actually be lovely and not at all obnoxious when people with good taste plan them; eating seafood next to the ocean really is better, and cities on the East Coast move way too fast for me. Even the joggers jog faster than any I see in Denver.

The most important thing I learned is that Karma is real, and she is a stealthy bitch.

On our flight out of Denver, we ended up next to a guy who had douchebag written all over him. Seriously. He was wearing a denim vest. I’m not one to pick on wardrobe or looks, but who the hell wears a denim vest in 2015 and isn’t a complete tool? He was sitting next to the window, I graciously took the middle seat because, well, I’m a fucking gracious person. Harrison is also taller than me, and I do nice things for my S.O. Douchebag guy by the window was a serious man-spreader, which would have been fine if he had adjusted himself to take up the appropriate amount of space when I sat down.

He didn’t.

plane etiquette

His dumb neck pillow was also around his neck the entire time, but he was never actually using it because he was editing pictures on his laptop. Does the neck pillow do something for you if you’re sitting in a horrible posture? I’ve never used one, so that’s a serious question.

Later, the flight attendant came around to get drink orders. He asked for ORANGINA!!!!!!!! You are on a plane, you idiot!!!! No airline anywhere, ever, in the history of airlines has ever had Orangina. I didn’t even know what Orangina was until like three months ago when it magically appeared in some local grocery store, and Harrison about lost his mind with excitement.

After that was declined by the flight attendant who had no clue what he was talking about, he requested Diet 7Up, to which the flight attendant replied, “Sprite Zero?” Douchebag agreed to drink Sprite Zero. When the flight attendant came back with drinks, douchebag was handed a plastic cup with ice and soda. This was not good enough, so he asked for the full can. The flight attendant brought the full can, and as soon as he opened it, it exploded all over him, his pants, and his laptop. Possibly my favorite flight attendant of all time mumbled under his breath while walking away, “If you can’t handle the can, don’t ask for the can.”

And that is Karma, my friends. Karma because at this point, I’m still leaning into Harrison since this guy can’t sit like a normal fucking human and has no concept of how one should behave on a plane. He was occupying the wall, the armrest next to the wall, the armrest next to me, and half of my leg space. Sitting on a plane for hours is uncomfortable enough without people that have no manners.

I did feel a little bit bad for him because I once had to replace a laptop due to a spilled beverage. In case you were concerned, he was right back to editing his pictures and crowding my space later in the flight. Actually, he never stopped crowding my space. He was basically spread-eagle the entire flight. So if there was any lasting damage to his laptop, I’ll just call that Karma, as well.

For those of you unfamiliar with plane etiquette, a co-worker showed me this 20-second video to help. Have some damn manners!

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