How adult of me, right?
My name was drawn from a pool of people who said they were interested in attending a conference in Atlanta. It’s not a reward or recognition of my hard work. It’s a literal luck of the draw. I had a 1 in 6 shot of having my name chosen. Really, it was 2 in 12, but I know how to fix fractions or whatever.
A weird thing happened when my name was pulled. Shock that my name was actually picked and then panic. I willingly put my name in the proverbial hat. It was actually a lime green colored bowl. I went back to my desk, sent Harrison a text to tell him that he would have to hold down the fort for a few days in October, and I panicked. I panicked about having to talk to strangers, flying (which I used to enjoy but don’t as much anymore), having to sleep in an unfamiliar room in an unfamiliar bed without Harrison. Then I thought about the possibility of having to share a hotel room with a co-worker I don’t know well. I have found out since that we will have our own hotel rooms. I panicked about being away from my cats. I had a flashback to when I walked into Freshman Orientation in high school and saw nothing but hundreds of people I don’t know. I cried a little bit and tried to hide it from everyone nearby.
This little thing that a lot of people do on a regular basis brought up all of the anxieties that I sometimes forget I have. In the logical part of my brain, I know that everything will be fine. I’ll go, I’ll learn some things that will make me better at my current job, and I can even use it as a resume builder. Then I’ll come home.
I cling so tightly to my routine. I know basically what to expect every day, and I feel safe. I cling so tightly that it scares the crap out of me to deviate, and there is no logical reason for that.
I don’t know what the point of this post is. Maybe I’m trying to talk myself into leaving my comfort zone more often. Maybe this is just my way of working through this weird fear, so I can enjoy my trip. I don’t know. In any case, it seems I have an undeniable logic to my thinking most of the time, but logic doesn’t make you immune to anxiety and fear. Clearly.
Also, you should probably follow me on Twitter and/or Instagram because social media is going to be my only friend to confide in when I start feeling out of my comfort zone, and that’s when shit gets fun.