Beer + Fireball = Bloated Fire-breathing Dragon

I haven’t posted here in almost 2 weeks. It’s been a busy couple of weeks, people. Sorry about that, but here I am to tell you a story of how I was reminded why I don’t partake in certain activities and drink certain kinds of booze.

Remember this post from WAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY back when I started this thing? I’ll wait.

You good?

Great. Let’s talk about Saturday night.

I went to a yoga class at 5:30 (more on this topic later). I was feeling pretty damn amazing about myself for getting to a class on a Saturday, at a studio that I don’t particularly enjoy, due to the height of the horse the yoga-bitches who work there seem to be on, so I wanted to get out of the house and take advantage of my momentary confidence. I ended up with a friend who was out celebrating with her friends celebrating a birthday.

This is a big fucking deal for me? I spent several hours with a bunch of strangers. Catch me on the wrong day, and the thought of this makes me curl up in the fetal position and sob.

We left a perfectly acceptable restaurant/bar with a lengthy beer list and moved to an awful place in the middle of Downtown where the worst people in Denver and ill-advised tourists go on Saturday nights. At this point, I had consumed 2 beers in 2 hours – the pace of someone who prefers to remain mentally intact. But I was in shithead territory, so of course, a couple of 21-year-old twerps plowed into me as a result of a hug turned tackle, spilling part of beer number 3 onto my friend’s husband.

I’m going to take this moment to address all the young, peppy, bar-goers who still have energy after 11pm. Stop. Please stop. Yes, I was on your turf, but someone needs to help you before you bring your shit behavior to the places adults go to drink. If you are in a crowded bar, it is not the time to run to your friend and aggressively hug them. They’ve probably been drinking for a while, making you the bowling ball to their wobbly pin. People will topple. I would also be pleased if I never saw a group of girls take a selfie in the mirror of a bar bathroom again. You look ridiculous, but at least that doesn’t cause injuries.

Later, my friend’s friend, whose birthday party I sort of felt like I crashed, REALLY wanted to do shot with everyone. Fireball. I don’t remember the last time I did a shot of any kind, but I didn’t want to be rude. And as much I loved the craft beer I’d been drink all night, craft beer comes with a price. You will pay in the likelihood that someone will mistake you for pregnant. See where I’m going with this? Bloated fire-breathing dragon.

dragon
This seems like an accurate representation.

I left that bar with a beer baby and cinnamon lingering on my tongue, but I was mentally intact even after the shot. I had an engaging conversation about feminism that I clearly recall. I came home and went to bed, feeling proud of myself for not sitting on the couch all night and for socializing with strangers.

At about 6:30am on Sunday morning, I was hovered over toilet.

Thanks, body. And also, fuck you.

The End.

Stop the presses everyone! I wore a skirt today.

It has happened everyone. Hell has frozen over, pigs are flying, and I, the Sultan of schlump, courter of comfort, wore a skirt today. You would have thought my more-feminine-than-usual outfit was a damn sign of the apocalypse given peoples’ reactions.

There was no occasion; I did not have a job interview I was sneaking off to or any plans after work. I purchased something, and then I wore it. That’s the whole story. I put no more effort into myself than usual, except that I was also wearing tights, which automatically means that you have to put forth a smidge more effort throughout the day, particularly with bathroom breaks.

Look, I realize that of those I most closely associate with, one of them should probably quit her job and accessorize for those of us who can’t accessorize for ourselves, one could drape herself in road kill and look gorgeous, and one knows what Louis Vuitton means. Oh and they all wear heels. Often. I do not. If I did, I would probably be filled with more rage than the time a gave up carbs and mostly avoided sugar for two weeks. Inevitably, someone would end up with a heel in the eye. By comparison, I’m frumpy as fuck, so a skirt is surprising.

Let me wear a skirt in peace, damnit! Otherwise my self-deprecating self will look myself up and down and regret the moment I looked in the closet and thought that red skirt I JUST FREAKING BOUGHT was a decent idea to wear to work. Allow me to demonstrate: When I got dressed in the morning, I didn’t notice that my new skirt really brought out my diaper ass. That’s what I call the kind of ass that is disproportionately large but doesn’t have a great shape; its mostly dimply, and abnormally unimpressive. Also, I mistakenly wore black tights with black flats which made me look a little like a librarian or maybe a nun, but I wore them because I’m weird about showing my legs. Why? I don’t know, maybe because my legs are an extension of my diaper ass and possess some of the same weird qualities. Oh and chaffing is a problem. Beauty is pain, right? Fuck you, no I don’t have a thigh gap.

 

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Maybe I’ll try this another time with better footwear.

P.S. I looked up the feminine form of “sultan” as I wrote the first part of this post. In case you were wondering, it’s “sultana,” but it doesn’t mean anything royal or authoritative; it’s another word for concubine. This is why the feminist movement exists, folks.

The kids are saying what now?

I’m apparently too old to understand things at this point.

Scenario 1

Me: I did not know what “Netflix and chill” actually meant for a really long time.

Harrison: Wait… really?

Me: No, and I definitely said it to at least one person before I knew what it meant. I thought it meant actually watching Netflix for an extended period of time, which I am really really good at and can completely understand.

Harrison: Sure, by yourself, but when you invite another person to “Netflix and chill,” it means something different. It means you’re doin’ it.

Me: I’m still confused. So if you’re by yourself it means actually watching Netflix…alone? Doing nothing else? But if you invite someone to “Netflix and chill,” it means doin’ it?

A quick aside- Can someone please confirm this for me, so I do not use this incorrectly ever again?

Harrison: Yes.

Me: It never even occurred to me.

Harrison: Think about when we first started dating. You’d come over, the internet wouldn’t work right, or we just wouldn’t watch things that we put on because we were more interested in other things.

Me: I guess that’s true.

Harrison: Now we actually watch stuff and do it later.

Me: Right.

Scenario 2

There’s a song called “Cake by the Ocean.” I’d never heard of it before a co-worker brought it up. My initial thought was that it seemed a little impractical to eat cake while sitting by an ocean. Cake is great; the ocean is lovely, but I don’t know why anyone would want to have those two things together. Obviously sand would contaminate your cake, and it would no longer be an enjoyable dessert.

Little did I know, the word “cake” does not always mean a delicious, fluffy dessert, topped with the frosting of your choosing. Thank you Urban Dictionary for clearing this up for me.

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I would like to assert that I despise the word “pussy.” What the fuck is “caking?” 
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And there we have it.  

You’ve heard this absurd song whether you know it or not, unless the rock you live under is somehow larger than the one I live under. That’s a Jonas Brother, right?

I still have a lot of questions.

I was on a podcast! Part 2

Here it is! This is the second part of my chat with Matt (that rhymed) on Words with Wayman

Word with Wayman- Ep. 62 w/ writer/badass Whitney

In all seriousness, support your local creative people. I appreciate what Matt Wayman does so much. Along with his comedy posse, The Agency, they give themselves and other creative people a platform to do what they do best and to present a truer version of who they are to the world.

I have some shit I’m working on, so I’ll return soon with some actual real stuff for you to read.

I appreciate you.

P.S. I mentioned in this episode that my brothers both live in Colorado, but I totally forgot in that moment that one of them is currently living in Kentucky. Weird.

Surprise!!! I was a guest on a podcast-Part 1

Guys! This is the thing I did! Well, it’s part 1. I’ll post part 2 soon!

I am so fucking excited that I was asked to do this! It was so much fun, and a great conversation. A HUGE thank you to Matt Wayman for having me please make sure to check out all the great of Word with Wayman and see what The Agency is up to around Denver. I can tell you from experience that they put on some really fun shows.

And in case you missed it, make sure to read my Open Letter to Denver Comics: Past, Present, and Future.

Words With Wayman- Ep. 61 w/ writer/badass Whitney

Enjoy!

I did a thing.

I did something yesterday, which I will be able to share with all of you very soon. I learned some stuff while doing this thing:

1)      The bar for being a writer is very low (thanks, Internet), so if people are going to call me a writer, I better step up my game. I never studied journalism or English in school, and I’ve only done a few incredibly basic writing jobs in my life. I am far from excellent at this, but I really really want to be an excellent and interesting blogger. That is a perplexing statement, I realize.

2)      There is a reason I use the Internet as my platform. Coherently formulating thoughts while talking to another human is not my strong suit. I like barriers. Again, thanks Internet.

3)      I’ve really done a lot of random shit in my life, and I have no idea which thing I’ll end up sticking with. I might even try something else altogether. Who knows?

4)      In order to make this interesting and turn it into a conversation instead of a spewing of my idiotic thoughts, that for some reason, a few people have taken an interest in, I need a favor from all of you. If you like anything you read here, please tell a friend or five. Please tell me what you’re interested in. What do you want to hear about? What do you want to know about me? (Keep it non-weird please). This is something I started in order to give myself an outlet to say whatever I want and to feel a little less restricted, but if I can make someone’s day better, that makes it completely worth it. I might bitch about stuff a lot, but I really am a nice person.

Now, while you wait for the thing I did, here’s a four minute mashup of cat videos.

Wanna waste about an hour?

Do you guys remember those Myspace iPod shuffle surveys? They are all over the damn internet. STILL! This is totally what I did on Saturday while I was safe in my apartment from the plethora of idiots falling down drunk celebrating a holiday that has is still days away.

I used my Spotify playlist because who has an iPod anymore? I don’t think I’ve added anything to my iTunes library in about 5 years.

Complete with commentary…here’s my sort of grown-up, sort of hipster, mopey folk and weird indie rock Myspace shuffle survey. I think there’s some poppy shit in there, too. Maybe you can get some good music suggestions, and I can feel like something good came out of my wasted Saturday night.

How are you today? 
Movement and Location- Punch Brothers
If this means I’ve been out and about a lot today, that is correct.

How old are you? 
Still Trying- Nathaniel Rateliff
Ah fuck, that’s more accurate than necessary. The hook in this song says “I don’t know a God damn thing, which is basically how I feel all the time.

Do you like candy? 
You’ve Haunted Me All My Life- Death Cab for Cutie
That stupid sweet tooth of mine is a day ruiner. 

What’s your favorite color? 
Landed- Ben Folds
That’s not a color, and it makes no sense. Why am I doing this?

Are you a boy or girl? 
We the Common- Thao & The Get Down Stay Down
I could take this to a really weird feminist place.

What makes you happy? 
Let’s Be Still- The Head and the Heart
This song and sitting around doing nothing make me incredibly happy. This is basically the perfect answer.

What do I smell like? 
Soft Shock- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
This sounds gross.

What do I miss right now? 
Destination- Nickel Creek
I think this means I need to travel.

Am I keeping too many secrets? 
The Hills- The Weeknd
So that’s a yes. Have you heard this song? This is what secrets sound like.

How old am I? 
Chocolate- The 1975
Chocolate’s a good answer for anything. 

How often does my mood change? 
I And Love And You- The Avett Brothers
So a lot? Or Never?

How’s life? 
The Chain- Ingrid Michaelson
That’s a bit grim.

Where are you going? 
Brainy- The National
I’m on a quest for knowledge. Clearly.

Where is my love life at right now? 
Hello- Adele
I don’t even know what to say to that. I’ll just sit here and weep until the next song starts.

What type of weather is my favorite? 
All My Days- Alexi Murdoch
Lies.

Is my heart broken? 
Help I’m Alive- Metric
I feel like this means that if your heart is beating at all, it may very likely be a little broken. Deep, right?

Am I mean? 
Amsterdan- Gregory Alan Isakov
That’s a very nice song, so I’m not mean.

Do I want a drink right now? 
Tennessee Whiskey- Chris Stapleton
Perfect. Pardon me while I see what I have in the fridge.

What was the last words I said? 
No One- Alicia Keys
Whatever.

Whens the last time you cried? 
Warning- Incubus
This may mean I’m due for a good cry.

What’s my favorite food?
Phenomenon- Dr. Dog
If there was a food called ‘phenomenon,’ I’d probably eat it out of pure curiosity.

Have you ever done drugs? 
Gravity- Sarah Bareilles
This damn song is my drug. LOVE. IT.

Say something scientific. 
Take Back the Night- Justin Timberlake
Not scientific in the slightest.

Are you afraid of bugs? 
Murder in the City- The Avett Brothers
As a person who has experienced Bed Bugs before, this is appropriate.

Whats my most favorite body position?
Love on Top- Beyonce
Spotify is a pervert.

Do I like shoes? 
Bird of Prey- Natalie Prass
I have no idea…

Have you ever been starstruck? 
How to Win- Nathaniel Rateliff
I lose interest in this about every 5 questions.

What are people’s first impressions of me?
Satisfy Me- Anderson East                                                                                                                             I doubt it, but thanks.

Will I get married? 
Howling at Nothing- Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats
So that’s a no? 

Do you believe in heaven? 
I Choose You- Sara Bareilles
I don’t know about Heaven, but I believe in this song. God Damnit, I love Sara Bareilles.

Have you ever sung a love song to someone? 
I Blew It Off- Punch Brothers
That’s actually really funny.

Do you like storms? 
West Coast- Coconut Records
Did you guys know Jason Schwartzman is in this band? Makes sense, right?

Whats was the last activity I did? 
Empire State of Mind- Jay Z
I was just looking for vintage postcards of New York and other places we’ve been, so sorta.

Is someone coming for me? 
Lonesome- Dr. Dog
What exactly does ‘coming for me’ mean?

Are you a virgin? 
Fight Song- Rachel Platten
I could take this to a really fucked up place.

Do you like politics?
Mr. November- The National
That’s a strangely political song title.

Do I like happy endings? 
Do I Wanna Know?- Arctic Monkeys
I think this is trying to tell me that I like not knowing anything, which is not at all true.

Am I free? 
Eet- Regina Spektor
That’s not a real word.

Do you believe in superman? 
The Breeze- Dr. Dog
Superman creates a breeze right? Because he flies? I’m not sure what I’m getting at here.

Whens the last time you partied?
Into the Wild- LP
A really long time ago is what that means.

Have you ever bought someone flowers? 
Bow and Arrow- Reuben And The Dark
I think that means I’m secretly Cupid. And that’s obviously a lie.

Do you own a car? 
Basket Case- Sara Barielles
Does this mean I’m crazy for not owning a car?

What do I look like? 
Zero- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Fuck you, Spotify. Rude.

Am I sick? 
The Eye – Brandi Carlile
Sickness of the eye?

What do most people find attractive about me? 
Hysteric- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
I feel like I’m being insulted.

What song describes me? 
Nobody Dies- Thao & The Get Down Stay Down
Um….

Story of your life? 
Black Sun- Death Cab for Cutie
That’s depressing.

Name a random song. 
Lost Cause- Beck
That’s because this is what I do on Saturday Nights. I’m a lost cause.

Are you bored? 
Numb It- HoneyHoney
Christ, this is depressing.

Will I get far in life? 
Heartbeats- Jose Gonzalez
I do have those.

How do friends see me? 
Cool Kids – Echosmith
Fuck. Yes. That’s what I’m talkin’ about, Spotify!

Whats my parents theme song? 
A Long Time- Mayer Hawthorne
This is a pretty rad song to be a theme song for parents.

Whats my pets theme song? 
Birth In Reverse- St. Vincent                                                                                                               That’s just bizarre.

Whats my funeral song? 
Delicate- Damien Rice
This song gets to me every damn time.

Will I have children? 
Smooth Sailing- Leon Bridges
That better mean no.

Good advice? 
Move Together- James Bay
This song is about banging, so probably ignore this… unless banging is on your agenda this evening.

Am I happy with myself?
Loser- Beck
Spotify giveth; Spotify taketh away. Spotify is an asshole.

Whats my motto? 
Flightless Bird, American Mouth- Iron & Wine
Cool?

Will I ever find love? 
Do It, Try It- M83
Already did it and tried it. We’re good.